“There are certain half-dreaming moods of
mind in which we naturally steal away from noise and glare, and seek some quiet
haunt where we may indulge our reveries and build our air castles undisturbed.”
– Washington Irving
Sleep is
hard for me to come by. I haven’t slept through the night since my son died 14
years ago. Most nights are riddled with nightmares that linger over past
trauma: my son’s death, the night I was raped, my husband’s death, the house
fire. I relive these moments often in my waking life, and having to go through
them again in my sleep just feels like a special kind of torment.
But
sometimes, the universe grants me a good dream.
There are
moments during the day when I find myself zoning out. I get lost in the
fantastical creation of a daydream and just let myself go with it. It brings me
such relief, such joy.
I have been
a single mother almost all of my parental life. It isn’t easy, of course, and I
would have preferred it otherwise. But the universe didn’t ask my preference.
My husband died and I was left with a toddler and a baby on the way. It seemed
like worrying was all I did.
Would I be able
to give my kids what I wanted to give them?
Would I be
able to make the life I wanted to make?
Would my being
a single mother somehow be damaging to my children?
Would my
kids be okay if something happens to me?
I want to
know that no matter what happens to me, my children will be provided for. This
is my greatest wish. I have countless daydreams about how this will be
fulfilled.
In my
favorite, my girls and I are having a normal day at home when we hear the
doorbell ring. I open the door to see Ellen DeGeneres standing there holding a
Coke Icee. She tells me that, from one Texas girl to another, she understands
tough times and she has come to tell me she has set up trust funds for both my
girls. And then she sends us on a Disney cruise. Why Ellen DeGeneres? Because I
think she’s a hoot. She’s down to earth, super funny, and genuinely seems to
care about people. I have no idea why a Disney cruise and not a visit to Disney World, but my mind
threw it in there and it appears that way every single time.
Sometimes,
it’s Tom Hanks or Oprah Winfrey instead of Ellen DeGeneres. But the rest of the
dream is the same.
The other
dream I have is probably much more common: I win the lottery. Who hasn’t dreamt of winning the lottery at
one time or another? But I’m afraid I would be very boring with my winnings. I
would set up trust funds for my girls. I would pay off my mortgage. I would pay
off my siblings’ mortgages/cars/student loans/other debt. I would set up trust
funds for my nieces, nephews, grandnieces, and grandnephews. I would repay my
parents as much as they would allow me to repay them for everything they have
done for me in my life. I would endow a scholarship at my college. Then I would
find a financial someone to assist with other investments.
To me,
security is happiness. I’ve had very little security in my adult life. To know
that my kids will be provided for is the fluffiest, rainbow-hued unicorn dream
I have. On those rare nights I get to have a happy dream, it’s almost always
about securing the future for my children. It is always my go-to daydream.
I work hard
for my family. I’m a single mom. I’m a teacher. I am doing my best to take care
of my family and we are doing okay. But there is always that niggling worry
about the future, about what would happen to my kids if something happens to
me. My daydreams allow a moment of escape from all the Greek tragedy that piles
up around me. They allow a brief time of relief from the pressures of being
responsible for everything.
In my
dreams, my children’s future is secure. That is the greatest wish that could
ever come true.